


redamancy

by midheavenn



Series: Ensemble Stars!! [12]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, IzuAn, Slow Burn, Unrequited Love, cursing for some characters, i will add tags as this fic goes!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-14
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27006670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midheavenn/pseuds/midheavenn
Summary: (n.) the act of loving the one who loves you; a love returned in full.
Relationships: Anzu/Sena Izumi (Ensemble Stars!)
Series: Ensemble Stars!! [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1930348
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. elysian

**Author's Note:**

> I’ve always thought IzuAn would make great angst. So here I am. This story is going to be pretty darn long, so I hope you’re in it for the long run. It is a slow burn fic, after all. This book has about 9 acts, although some of them might be a little shorter than the others. My updates for this fic might be a little slow, or can be really frequent. Depends on how busy I am.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (adj.) beautiful or creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This first chapter is an introduction to Anzu and her feelings for Izumi, as well as setting up for Act 1. This act is mostly Anzu-centric, so I hope you’ll bear with me. As always, I apologize if any characters are OOC, and for any grammar or spelling mistakes.

**Act 1:** lacuna (n.) a blank space; a missing part

 **Chapter 1:** elysian (adj.) beautiful or creative; divinely inspired; peaceful and perfect

_\--- midheavenn ---_

If Anzu was told to describe Izumi, she would certainly choose the word ‘elysian.’

He was the very definition of the word, in her opinion.

Beautiful? Certainly. Divinely inspired? Probably. Perfect? The idol would never accept anything less.

It’s only been about a month since she first started developing feelings for Izumi, but it feels like she’s been in love with him since she was just a child.

She can’t really remember how her world was like before being a producer. Her life was black and white, monochrome, and no color ever really stood out to her.

She can’t really remember how her world was like before she met Izumi Sena.

When she first saw him, she was in awe. To see someone so blessed by God with good looks and talent, but his personality put her off at first.

How could it not? He was just straight up mean to her. But soon, after experiencing his kindness first hand, she had really started to respect him.

There had been a few occasions where he helped her, and before she knew it, she found herself getting excited whenever she has practice with Knights, feeling butterflies in her stomach every time he glanced at her, missing him if she hadn’t seen him at school all day.

Before him, everything else was a blur. She remembers several details, but it’s not like they really mattered.

Her previously monochrome world, now was full of color and life.

If you asked her to pinpoint one specific moment when she fell for him, she might have to say the one time he gave her a ride home on his motorcycle.

Everything she had felt for him all led up to the moment she really _fell._

The sun had nearly set completely, and she can see the stars glittering overhead.

She stared at the male in front of her, wind whipping his perfectly styled hair, feeling his warmth radiate as she had her arms wrapped around his torso.

It was dark that evening, but she might as well have seen the sun.

It _is_ Izumi we’re talking about here, after all.

“Anzu!”

Her reverie was interrupted by a cheerful voice, and a body crashing into hers.

“Oh, Subaru-kun.” she greeted him with a smile.

She noticed footsteps not far behind her, along with a clear voice cutting through the air.

“Oi, Akehoshi! Don’t just tackle her like that!”

The rest of Trickstar ran towards the two, panting and out of breath.

Anzu’s eyebrows raised at the four boys, running her mental checklist of units that had practice today.

“ _Ano,_ doesn’t Trickstar have practice today?” she asked them.

Mao sighed, putting a hand to his chest as he tried to steady his breath.

“Yes, we do, but we ran into some… problems on the way to the practice room.”

“Problems? What problems?” the producer asked worriedly.

Makoto rubbed his neck sheepishly. “Izumi-san was outside the practice room, and I didn’t want to run into him.”

At the sound of his name, Anzu perked up, her heartbeat quickening.

He’s not even here, but the effect he has on her is quite incredible, she must admit.

Anzu sighed and shook her head slowly. “Makoto-kun, even if Sena-senpai is outside the practice room, you shouldn’t miss practice.”

She glanced at the other members of Trickstar. “And you certainly shouldn’t bring everyone else with you.”

“Sorry, Anzu-chan…” the blond murmured.

She patted his shoulder lightly and offered the others a bright smile.

“Come on, I’ll walk you guys to the practice room. Makoto-kun, I’ll handle Sena-senpai if he’s still outside the room.”

They all nodded and followed Anzu, lightheartedly chatting about their day.

To Makoto’s horror, Izumi was _indeed_ still in front of the waiting room.

Izumi instantly turned around as soon as he heard Makoto’s voice from down the hallway.

He practically had hearts in his eyes as he approached the younger male.

“Yuu-kun~” he sang cheerfully, arms outstretched.

Makoto yelped and quickly shielded himself using Anzu, dragging Trickstar away with him.

“I’m counting on you, Anzu-chan!” he yelled, as all four members ducked into the empty room.

Izumi didn’t seem fazed by this, he simply continued humming, smiling contentedly at the now-shut door.

“Yuu-kun, I wish you would stop avoiding your _onii-chan_ like that. Well, I guess it’s fine, it’s my job as his _onii-chan_ to find him~”

Anzu would be lying if she said she didn’t feel jealous of Makoto.

Despite Izumi calling himself Makoto’s ‘ _onii-chan_ ,’ she’s jealous of the seemingly permanent blush that’s on Izumi’s cheeks every time he sees Makoto.

She wishes she mattered that much to Izumi.

The girl pushed the thought to the back of her mind, keeping her professional work ethic.

“Sena-senpai, please don’t do that again. Makoto-kun and the others are starting practice late because of you.” she chided politely.

Izumi turned to her, eyes narrowed as a scowl made its way to his lips.

“Haa? What did you just say to me? I’m your senpai, so show some respect.”

He clicked his tongue, arms crossed. “Well, I guess I’ll let him go this time.”

Without another word, Izumi turned on his heel and left Anzu in the hallway.

She sighed and looked down at the floor. She really should go inside the practice room and help Trickstar while she’s here, but she couldn’t seem to bring herself to move.

Putting a hand on her chest, she tightly grips the fabric of her shirt, as if trying to suppress the somewhat painful feeling inside of her right now.

Tentatively, she glanced upwards, trying to get a glimpse of Izumi’s retreating figure.

If Anzu was told to describe Izumi, she would certainly choose the word ‘elysian.’

Beautiful and creative, divinely inspired, peaceful and perfect.

There is something about Izumi that makes him seem… unreachable.

The human equivalent of the word beauty, she can only describe him as otherworldly and ethereal.

Otherworldly. The word reminded her of her place. Idols are supposed to stay single for their fans, and she, as a mere producer, should definitely not feel something so strongly for an idol.

In her opinion, Izumi is the living proof of God’s existence. He must be, considering how blessed he is.

Izumi Sena is one of the very few things Anzu ever desired so much. Something so beautiful, almost divine, something she could never have.

Like a butterfly, almost. You can fawn over its beauty all you want, and you may try to catch it, but in the end, it’s nearly impossible.

He was a butterfly in her eyes. Something she can always want, but will never get.

No matter how hard she tries.

_\--- Chapter 1 end ---_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying out a different writing style, so I hope it doesn't sound too flowery, since it's never my intention. As always, kudos and comments are highly appreciated, and thank you for reading! Follow me on my Twitter for updates about my fics! @midheavenn_


	2. cordolium

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (n.) heartache; heartfelt sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My brain keeps pumping out IzuAn no matter what I do. Out of all my Enstars ships, writing for them comes the most naturally to me. Maybe that’s why I write for them a lot. I was feeling pretty sad about school, so here I am, writing angst.

**Act 1:** lacuna (n.) a blank space; a missing part

 **Chapter 2:** cordolium (n.) heartache; heartfelt sorrow

_\--- midheavenn ---_

The evening breeze cool against her skin, the ends of his hair tickle her forehead, the scent of his cologne intoxicating her, his warmth radiating to her body, which was pressed close against his, her jackhammering heart inside her ribcage as she hugged him closer, impossibly close.

Izumi noticed how close Anzu was holding him, and glanced at her face from his bike’s rearview mirror.

She had her eyes squeezed shut, a slight furrow on her eyebrows. Izumi huffed quietly, quiet enough that he wouldn’t interrupt her.

 _Whatever she’s thinking about, it must be quite stressful,_ he thought. She was clinging to him like her life depended on it.

In a way, her life did depend on him.

She had found solace in him and his words. Despite the harshness of his words, she can tell that he’s worried about her to an extent.

“Anzu.” Her eyes shot open at the sound of his voice.

“What is it, Sena-senpai?” she asked him.

“Take care of yourself more.” he said.

Anzu blinked. Izumi sighed again and gripped the handles of his motorcycle tighter. How this girl is still alive and _somehow_ well is beyond him.

“Ask for help if you need it. Don’t think just because you’re a producer, you have to shoulder all these burdens by yourself.” 

His words took a second for them to really sink in, and she had to hold back her smile.

Nothing makes her happier than knowing that he cared.

There was no bite in his words, only an idol genuinely worried for his producer.

Izumi felt her nod, before pressing her cheek against his back, eyes trained on the slightly blurred scenery around them.

He hoped what he said got to her.

***

Anzu rubbed her eyes sleepily, as she sat up on her bed.

Her eyes squinted as she tries to read the time on her digital clock. 04:26 AM.

She didn’t expect to dream about that day. It still feels surreal.

Anzu put her arms out, feeling the ghost of his warmth. She closed her eyes, all she can see is his headlight pouring down the dark street where her house was. She can see herself sitting on the back of his motorcycle.

She should probably go back to sleep. She’s going to be quite busy tomorrow. Eichi has put her in charge of a future live, she has to help Kuro sew AKATSUKI’s costumes, and RYUSEITAI has practice with her before and after school.

Instead, Anzu got up from her bed and walked to her bedroom window. She lifted it open, instantly feeling the night breeze grazing her skin.

She inhaled the crisp air, before breathing out. She looked up at the stars decorating the night sky. Naturally, her mind drifted to a certain person.

Her chest suddenly feels very tight, and she finds it hard to breathe.

Suddenly feeling very cooped up inside her bedroom, Anzu pushed the door leading towards the outside of her house.

Wrapping the jacket she quickly threw on beforehand tighter around her body, she observed the cherry blossom petals falling from the trees on her street.

It didn’t help very much. Her chest feels even tighter, something that can only described as heartache flooding her.

She buried her face in her hands. She feels stupid for feeling this way. She’s known from the start.

Anzu felt a tear go down her cheek. A shaky breath escapes past her lips.

The chances of Izumi ever returning her feelings are close to none. She knew that ever since she first started liking him.

And yet, she feels this pain in her heart every time she thinks of the way he looks at Makoto.

The pink tint on his cheeks, dilated pupils, affectionate behavior, everything Izumi was not to her.

Anzu crouched down on the sidewalk, tears flooding her cheeks as she let out a quiet sob.

She’s not ‘everyone’s producer’ right now, she’s just Anzu. A normal teenage girl, a high school second year.

There are no idols that currently need her help. She’s all alone right now, near her home, at the middle of the night. No one can see her. No one can hear her.

She let it all out, letting the tears fall wordlessly. She doesn’t understand why it hurts so much. She’s known from the start. She feels stupid right now.

_Why does it hurt so much?_

Anzu sobbed again, the sound muffled by her arm, as she tried to keep quiet so that no one would hear her.

Her mind flashed to Izumi. Izumi, Izumi, Izumi. His name repeated itself in her mind, almost like a mantra. His eyes, his hair, his voice, his smile, just… Izumi.

 _I love you,_ she thought to herself. _I love you so goddamn much._

Cordolium, she had once heard the word. It means heartache, or heartfelt sorrow.

Well, her heart is very clearly aching right now.

Anzu wiped the tears using the back of her hand, pulling out her phone from her pocket. She looked at the time. 04:41 AM.

She contemplated not sleeping until she had to leave for school, but decided against it. She would rather get all the energy she possibly could to handle the… _eccentric_ idols of Yumenosaki Academy.

Anzu looked at the blooming cherry blossom trees overhead. Petals fell all around her, making the scene very-movie like.

She cleared her throat several times, her throat feeling uncomfortable. After said several failed attempts, she put a hand to her mouth and coughed.

When she drew back her palm, a small cherry blossom petal was in the middle of it.

_Huh, must’ve slipped in when I coughed._

Little did she know, that petal wasn’t one of the many that fell around her.

As of now, she wasn’t aware of the small flowers starting to grow inside her lungs.

She walked back to her house, feeling the ache in her chest linger a lot longer than usual.

_\--- Chapter 2 end ---_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo, a very Anzu-centric chapter in an Anzu-centric act. A little reminder that this act mostly focuses and Anzu and her feelings, and Act 2 will be Izumi's time to shine. As always, kudos and comments are highly appreciated, and thank you for reading! Follow me on my Twitter for updates about my fics! @midheavenn_


	3. tristful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (adj.) deeply yet romantically melancholy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I am finally back from the dead. I haven't been writing anything because I've got this HUGE writer's block and I haven't been able to write anything that I was happy enough with to publish. But I did manage to finish this chapter, and give you the long awaited update. As always, I apologize if any characters are OOC, and for any grammar or spelling mistakes, since English is not my first language.

**Act 1:** lacuna (n.) a blank space; a missing part

 **Chapter 3:** tristful (adj.) deeply yet romantically melancholy

_\--- midheavenn ---_

Anzu lightly patted her chest, clearing her throat for the second time in ten minutes.

Hokuto frowned at this, while Makoto and Subaru gave her worried looks.

“Anzu, are you sick?” Subaru asked her worriedly, pouting.

The brunette smiled and shook her head. “I’m fine, Subaru-kun. My throat just feels weird today.”

She got up and excused herself, going outside the classroom.

Anzu jogged to a secluded part of the school’s outside, before coughing violently.

Handfuls of pale pink petals fall from her mouth, piling up quickly as she continued to vomit them.

After a few minutes, she sighed, trying to steady herself as she pressed a hand to the wall.

She hates this. She hates that she suffers from Hanahaki disease.

A few days ago, when she coughed up flowers in front of her mother, the older woman quickly suggests going to the doctor. And her suspicions were proven right, her daughter has Hanahaki disease.

The doctor went on to explain that they can remove the flowers growing inside her lungs, but it comes with the price of the surgery also removing Anzu’s capacity to feel romantic love.

Anzu shook her head slowly, smiling as she politely declines the offer.

She closed her eyes, the doctor’s words returning to her.

“You can choose to not do the surgery, but Hanahaki disease can be life-threatening if left untreated, so please be careful and think this over.” 

Her answer is still the same. She doesn’t want to. But she bit her tongue, and nodded.

She coughed, another handful of petals falling from her mouth. She sighed again.

How utterly pathetic. For her to feel something like this, and for her to suffer like this.

“Anzu.”

She instantly froze when she heard that voice. She feels a pang in her chest, it feels tight and painful. It makes it hard to breathe.

“Yes, senpai? Did you need me for something?” she asked with a kind smile, holding back the urge to cough again.

Izumi made a face at her words, but didn’t answer for a second, his eyes darting between Anzu and the pile of cherry blossom petals near her.

“Why are there cherry blossom petals here?” he finally said.

Anzu swallowed. Of course, out of the many students of Yumenosaki’s idol course, the one who had to see her like this is Izumi.

The idol clicked his tongue and waved a hand dismissively. “Whatever~ It’s not like I care, anyway. Make sure you get someone to clean that up, Anzu~”

A part of her is relieved he decided to let it go. Another part of her is hurt by his dismissal.

_It’s not like I care, anyway._

The ache in her chest returns, and she coughs one last time, before asking one of the school’s caretakers to clean it up.

“Anzu-chan! We were looking for you!” Makoto called out, waving excitedly.

She smiled back, picking up her pace as she walked towards her three classmates.

Her eyes widened when Makoto, Subaru, and Hokuto disappeared, her mind replacing the three with Izumi’s retreating figure.

Her surroundings blurred. The chatter in the hallway becomes background noise.

_It’s not like I care, anyway._

“Anzu-chan?”

She blinked. Makoto was in front of her, cocking his head in worry. “What’s wrong?”

Anzu finally got out of her thoughts and forced another smile.

“It’s nothing, Makoto-kun. What is it?”

“We have practice with you today, Anzu. We were about to head to the practice room.” Hokuto bluntly explained, his eyebrows furrowing slightly as he looks at Anzu. 

Subaru’s eyes narrowed as he watched Anzu try to come up with an answer, since she clearly forgot about practice.

“Oh. Right, I have practice with the four of you today.” she echoed quietly.

“Anzu, you’ve been spacing out a lot lately. It’s not like you to forget things like these.” the orange-haired teenager pointed out.

The others looked a bit surprised by Subaru’s words, but they can only stay silent.

Makoto purses his lips, his fingers fidgeting. Subaru had said what they were all thinking.

A pause, before Mao breaks the silence with an awkward laugh.

“I’m sure Anzu’s probably just tired from work. Anzu, make sure to get some rest, okay? And you guys, we should be getting to practice, we’re wasting precious time.”

Awkward murmurs in agreement can be heard, and the five friends made their way to their designated practice rooms.

Anzu took a deep breath, feeling a pang in her chest when she thought back on Izumi’s words.

_It’s not like I care anyway._

She raised both of her hands, and slapped both of her cheeks loudly, causing the Trickstar members to turn and look at her.

“Anzu? Are you okay?” Hokuto asked worriedly.

“I’m fine, Hokuto-kun. Just making sure I focus.” she replied easily, a smile gracing her features.

All of them was relieved that she seemed to be back to normal, and started talking amongst themselves.

Mao felt a tap on his shoulder and turned to see that it was Anzu.

“I’m sorry about that, Mao-kun. Thanks for your help back there.”

Anzu didn’t explicitly say anything, but Mao had a feeling he knew why she was acting this way. He couldn’t tell her, but the other three have their own suspicions as well.

Instead, he simply smiled back and told her that it was nothing.

Chatting as they walk to the practice room, the five of them enjoyed the rest of the school day together.

~

“You’re acting weird, Secchan.” Ritsu remarked.

Izumi only sighs and hastily replies, “It’s none of your business, Kuma-kun.”

The raven-haired idol raises both of his hands in surrender, and leaves Izumi with his own thoughts.

Izumi’s eyebrows furrowed and he felt the corners of his lips tugged downwards.

To be honest, he wasn’t sure if it was appropriate of him to speak like that Anzu.

_Was I being too harsh with her?_

Izumi ponders the question silently as he tidies up and goes home for the day, an uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

_\--- Chapter 3 end ---_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time we get into Izumi's thoughts! This act will have Izumi sprinkled in, but it still focuses on Anzu a lot. Kudos and comments are highly appreciated! Follow me on my Twitter! @midheavenn_

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me on my Twitter! @midheavenn_


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